Don't need No One

I once was a child who was carefree and wild.  I even once went to a place covered in a white blanket.  You walked ahead of me and there were your footprints in front of me.  I tried as hard as I could to follow in them but they were simply too large and too far.  I wanted so very much to be like you.  Now you are gone and I am grown.  I have no footprints to walk in and no one to lead me.  I wanted to stay there in the serene with you but you left too soon and I have yet to find you again.  I miss then and I miss that but now I am learning.  I have met a guy that you would like and he is good to me.  I wish you could meet him but that won't happen so all I can do is dream.  When I am gone I hope someone misses me like I mis you.  Maybe one day there will be snow and a child of my own.  Then they can walk in my footprints like I did yours.

So tonight, wow, really just wow!~ I had fun in ways that I thought I had forgotten.  I didn't need to drink and that felt good.  The only thing is that  I have inhibitions that won't be broken or forgotten.  I miss being able to be like whatever and just going for it.  Now we have habits and they're not easily forgotten or changed.  I miss the way things were before everything happened but I could never ask for them to be the same.  Wow!  ~~ I miss so much and yet I feel as if I am working with so little and the urge to hold on tight to myself is fading.  He makes me feel amazing and scared and anxious and everything all at once and that scares me like crazy.  I want just the gall to tell him and hear what he has to say.  I want so much and yet ask for so little.  Oh well tomorrow is a new day and a new night of fun times to be had.  I want to feel his arms again and so now he has given me something to dream of.  Thank you and thank you and WOW!~~~~ 

 New years eve is here and what can I say.... hmm... resolutions are galore but I don't have a single one that might work except for a not so rare glimmer of finding myself.  If only the world weren't say shy.  Oh and MTV has a 10 second censor delay for the words fuck and stoned!

I don't know why I even bother to try to tell myself that I don't care.  I care way more than I should and I know that and I am not stupid.  Small things used to amuse me.  Now all I can do is try to help you through.  I miss you and you know that yet you don't look deep enough.  If you looked any deeper than the surface you would see that I love you.  Maybe too much or maybe just not enough but the feelings are still there.  Why should I hide who I am?  Oh yeah to help you deal with what you have become and for me to not feel so damn guilty.  Who am I to ask you for anymore than you are willing to give..... so I am trying to give up but I'm just too polite for that.  I hope one day that you read this and realize what you may be missing out on.  Until then I will just give until I have nothing left for you to take. 



"I Can't Stop Loving You"

So you're leaving in the morning on the early train
I could say everything's alright
And I could pretend to say goodbye

You got your ticket, got your suitcase
You got your leaving smile
I could say that's the way it goes
I could pretend and you won't know
That I was lying

Cause I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
No, I can't stop loving you
Though I try

We took a taxi to the station, not a word was said
No, I saw you walk across the road
It may be the last time I don't know feeling humble
Heard a rumble on the railway tracks
And when I hear that whistle blow
I walked away and you won't know
That I was trying

Cause I can't stop loving you
I can't stop loving you
No, I can't stop loving you
Though I try, I just can't stop loving you
No, I can't stop loving you
I just can't stop loving you
Why do I try, why do I try
Yeah 

Who knows maybe if you ask for another chance I'll give that you too.  For a chance is what I want but who I am to ask you to give me the one thing I never really had.  


"I Told You So"

You said you needed your space
I wasn't where you wanted to be
I didn't stand in your way
I only want you to be happy
And so how surprised am I to see you here tonight

Well, oh, can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so

Sometimes in our lives
We get to where we wonder if
The long road that we're on
Is heading in the same direction
When it comes to you and me
We're right where I know we should be

Oh, can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so

Sometimes it's like we're deep in nothing but love
And the slightest thing can grow so foolishly
Please

Oh, can't you see that for worse or for better
We're better together
Please, just come back home
And don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so
But I told you so
Should have known better
Than to leave me, baby
Should have known better
Than to leave me, darling


Yet I know you and I know that you'll just keep making the same mistakes until one too many catch up to you and you're forced to live with the consequence of everything.  I love you and if it be that way then Ill be damned long before I die.  I'm not so dumb yet I am too soft where you are concerned.  So please realize this before you make the worst mistake of all. 


"Stupid Boy"

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy
Oh

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive
Yeah, yeah

Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
Yes, ya did
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You stupid boy, oh, I'm the same old
Same old stupid boy

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone
Long gone, long gone
Ah, she's gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me


One last thing, when I move I may leave this state.  That's right the state!  I know where my heart is and if leaving it behind is what it takes then so be it.  But just remember one day you're gonna need somewhere to turn and hopefully this is a bridge you won't burn.

"Everybody"

So here you are now, nowhere to turn
It's just the same old yesterday
And you made a promise to yourself
That you were never gonna be this way
And the only thing that you've ever known is to run
So you keep on driving faster into the sun

Cause everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah, everybody needs somebody sometimes

Don't have to find your own way out
You gotta voice, let it be heard
Just when it feels you're on a dead end road
There's always somewhere left to turn

So don't give up now
You're so close to a brand new day
Yes, you are and if you just can bear to be alone
I'll stay

Cause everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah, everybody needs somebody sometimes

Well, maybe I been too caught up to see
What you've been going through and all that I can say is

Oooo, yeah

And everybody needs somebody sometimes
Yeah, everybody needs somebody sometimes
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
A little left to save
Everybody needs somebody sometimes
Gotta have someone beside you
Gotta have someone beside you
Yes, ya do, yes, ya do
Everybody, everybody needs somebody sometimes

So this weather sucks! I loath the winter and its cold weather. I've also been thinking lately, does anyone ever really change? Some people say that they are no longer alcoholics yet they still get the urge to drink at the smell of liquor. Others say that they no longer lie or cheat or steal yet the urges are still there. It's like when a guy tells you that he has changed, like... he'll call, he wants your friendship, he'll even hang out. Yet given that chance to reform and they don't bother to take it. So do people ever really change?

In other news.... I saw my favorite uncle this weekend. The weird part is that he lives in Michigan and was down here out of the blue. I even asked him what the hell he was doing here. The only thing cooler than seeing my uncle was that he wasn't alone. He also brought Larry with him. Larry is a guy who I hung out with a few years back. Larry was cute back then but damn his looks have changed. He's like a good ole country boy. I guess maybe I live in the wrong state.

Anywho I am taking off. All ya'll have a good night and take care. Also stay warm!



"If I Could Have You Back"

On the subject of you being gone forever
I still can't believe it, I can't see it
I should just stop counting days
On the subject of the future
Wouldn't it be nice to leave it open-ended
And pretend it could go either way

If I could have you back again
I'd think about it once or twice, I guess
If I could have you back
I'd reconsider, maybe I'd say yes
On the other hand it would be
Better to have a life
Without the constant indecision over
If I could have you back
If I could have you back

On the topic of the time we spent together
I can't say I never wondered if you ever think about these days

If I could have you back again
I'd think about it once or twice, I guess
If I could have you back
I'd reconsider, maybe I'd say yes
On the other hand it would be
Better to have a life
Without the constant indecision over

If I could have you back

It's game over
You lost this round
And now I guessed I've turned you down
Thanks for all the lessons learned
I'm taking in what I have heard
(Practice makes perfect)

If I could have you back again
I'd think about it once or twice, I guess
If I could have you back
I'd reconsider, maybe I'd say yes
On the other hand it would be
Better to have a life
Without the constant indecision -

If I could have you back again
I'd think about it once or twice, I guess
If I could have you back
I'd reconsider, maybe I'd say yes
On the other hand it would be
Better to have a life
Without the constant indecision over
If I could have you back
If I could have you back

You told me today that you're going to be leaving. Not too soon but too soon for my preference. I have just found you again and now you're leaving. How can I miss so much what I never really had? I feel like I am playing in a losing game. One game where there is no winner for we are both losers. I think that I miss you already. How sad is that? Two days of reunion and I already miss you. Somehow I feel like I may have found the unobtainable and now only to have it slip through my hands. Maybe if I pretend to not care it won't feel this way.... Who knows maybe I should just leave it all behind.... Why is it that when you care for someone it always means getting hurt? Maybe a small cut or a wound to the heart there is always pain and that's how I know I care. I guess I just care too much!

MAT KEARNEY LYRICS

"All I Need"

Here it comes it's all blowing in tonight
I woke up this morning to a blood red sky
They're burning on the bridge turning off the lights
We're on the run I can see it in your eyes
If nothing is safe then I don't understand
You call me your boy but I'm trying to be the man
One more day and it's all slipping with the sand
You touch my lips and grab the back of my hand
The back of my hand

[chorus]
Guess we both know we're in over our heads
We got nowhere to go and no home that's left
The water is rising on a river turning red
It all might be OK or we might be dead
If everything we've got is slipping away
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see
You're all I see

The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm
Glass is breaking so don't let go of my arm
Grab your bags and a picture of where we met
All that we'll leave behind and all that's left
If everything we've got is blowing away
We've got a rock and a rock till our dying day
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need
You're all I need

And if all we've got, is what no one can break,
I know I love you, if that's all we can take,
the tears are coming down, they're mixing with the rain,
I know I love you, if that's all we can take.

A pool is running for miles on the concrete ground
We're eight feet deep and the rain is still coming down
The TV's playing it all out of town
We're grabbing at the fray for something that won't drown

I found out recently that my cousin Brad is enlisting in the Marines. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite but I don't want him to enlist. He's the closet cousin to me. I have memories of the summer that we shared as kids. Him climbing the closet walls, me chasing him around the beach, us knocking heads with a complete stranger in the pool. I guess what I am saying is that I do support the soldiers who are over there. I appreciate what they are doing. I just don't like being here feeling helpless as to how to help him. It's a dangerous war they are fighting in and there is no safe way to go over there and return home safely. Everyday is a risk. So I guess my point is this.... There are people who hate the marine corp sticker on my back window. I tell them all to fuck off! Send your family over there multiple people, multiple times and then tell me how you want to show your support. I will miss Brad while he is gone but I will still have all of those memories. So I guess this entry is for Brad and Stephen. You boys are why my sticker stays and you make me proud to say I have two cousins who are marines. To the countless others whose lives have been cut short the following song is for all of you. May you always be remembered in someone's heart somewhere.


The battlefield by Sonya Isaacs:

One day as I was thinking
On unseen things above
The Savior spoke unto me
And filled my heart with love

(Chorus)
I'm gonna die on the battlefield
I'm gonna die in this war
I'm gonna die on the battlefield
With glory in my soul

I used to have some people
Who walked and talked with me
But since I've been coinverted
They've turned their backs on me

Some say give me silver
And some give me gold
But I say give me Jesus
Who saved my dying soul

(Repeat Chorus)

With glory in my soul

Wow! Forgot I still had this thing. Well it is a reunion with my journal and I as the stars. So I guess the following is a post on how life changes and the gains and losses along the way.

Recently a friend of mine from work reminded me of how often life can change. I have been wondering how old friends are doing and it seems like a hardship to truly let them go. Some have imprinted themselves so deeply on my heart that sometimes the distance and lack of communications make me wanna cry. One friend for example is so close in my heart yet so far in reality. I wish I knew how he was but his life is in turmoil as is mine and so it only makes it harder.
What about those that we love though we know we are wrong to do so. I feel so strongly sometimes that I think I only bring myself trouble. How have humans evolved so far technologically yet not emotionally. I wish that there were a way to compartmentalize my life so that I could deal with just one part at a time. Like those that you help and they do nothing to help you back in return.
I guess the whole part of this is that I am sorry for those of you who I have lost touch with along the way. I really would like to get to know you again if you would take the time to allow me to do so. For those who are gone forever I am very sorry. The loss of our friendship does not go unnoticed.

Anywho may all who read this know that there is someone out there who does think of them. Enjoy your holiday of choice all and may the New Year bring you new friends and remembrances of the old.

So here I am again after a really LONG time. Dunno what to say....

I have a new job, new friends, better attitude, and life is great. Dunno why it took so long to find this but here I am. HAPPY!

So there have been a few emotional casualties along the way but tough ish. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I am happy on my own and that is all that counts. Oh yeah still single but I turn 21 in almost three months still don't drink but I may make an exception. See I have figured out that right now I would rather be SINGLE and happy than dating and depressed with all the drama. So now I am me and all I need is me and that is GREAT.

Well I gotta get ready for work so anyone who wants to see anything about me got to my myspace.

www.myspace.com/Andrea_in_npr

see ya!

so life has been weird since last year. Got in touch with Sean and things are strained at best. Somehow it feels like I keep getting blown off but what can I say? I'm the past and that is that. Trying to move on. Only one way to go and that's forward.